I think Wendy was a fool for leaving Neverland. Yeah. I went there! I said it! Well, think about it. Flying, treasure, adventure, she was the boss, and a cute boy. She went home and grew up…why?
Whether my perception of adulthood was formed by J.M. Barrie, or not, isn’t really the issue. The issue is that adults are missing out on tons of the perks of being a kid! And no, I don’t mean your knees work without cracking and you can dye your hair for fun and not cause you have to…I mean stuff like this:
1. When you’re younger, you can wear whatever you want, and it’s attributed to being “creative.” Try that once you’re past 30 yrs old and you’re “nuts.” Striped stockings, past 30 yrs old, are only socially acceptable if you look like this chick.
2. Make mistakes, when you’re younger, and people think you’re “learning.” You drive the car into a trash can while trying to parallel park and you’re learning. It’s good to learn, and hit inanimate objects once in a while – as long as it isn’t Grandma or the neighbors 1/2 dead dog. Supposedly, that teaches you something. At the very least, it teaches you, as a kid, society expects you to screw up. But make mistakes when you’re older, and you’re a total idiot. Apparently the method of learning by error should be perfected by the time you reach 18 yrs, otherwise, expect to get banished to the loser table at holiday parties.
3. Younger, you can giggle uncontrollably without (1) the UPS guy thinking you’re coming on to him, or (2) the Clinique girl bitch-slapping you for laughing at her. Adults don’t smile enough. So, the world sucks. Like that’s a shocker. Get over it. And maybe I was laughing at you, but when I fell off the curb (due to my natural gracelessness), you coulda laughed back. Seriousness is a disease. Get over yourself.
4. Being a dreamer is friggin awesome when you’re a kid. Teachers slap you on the back and say you have promise. But when you’re an adult, people think your head is in the clouds. Suddenly, the very thing you were applauded for, turns against you. Stay in the clouds as long as you can. Beware of people who are like lead shoes. They’re bad!
*Note: Most of these bad people are not wearing masks like the Hamburglar. They are disguised as real people. And if you meet one that is dressed like the Hamburglar, swap numbers, cause someone dressed like that has gotta be boyfriend material! Capes are sexy.
5. As a kid, you don’t have to have any clue what you’re doing, and it’s okay! What’s your major? Don’t know? Well that’s okay! Colleges even have advisers for that kinda thing. They don’t expect you to know anything. That’s why you’re there. Duh. So, what are you gonna do with the rest of your life? No clue? No problem! What about a boyfriend? That’s OK, you just haven’t found the right guy yet! The problem is never you when you’re young. There’s always another reason. Yeah. Not true when you’re older. Soak that up now, cause it dries up somewhere around 24 yrs old. After that, it’s totally you. Idiot.
6. When you’re younger, saying you can reach out and touch someone is a dirty party game, and has nothing to do with AT&T. As an adult, the thought of calling AT&T to fix something makes the little vein in your forehead explode, before you even pick up the phone to call. Why is it so hard to get someone on the phone when you call the phone company? Irony. Suck.
7. When you’re young, you can pack an Escort with 40 kids and it’s expected. So much slack, we give you! (Insert fat Italian woman pinching your cheeks here). Meanwhile, if you saw a Pinto packed with 40 grannies, well, you’d assume they were off to knock over a bank. At least I would. 40 grannies in a car? That’s super suspicious. The stagnant perfumed-filled air alone would be lethal. You bet, those grannies are up to no good.
8. As a kid, you don’t have to conform. Rules? Ha! Screw the rules! This fish bowl is a hat! It is, because I say so. Then 40 other kids copy me and we started a trend. It’s awesome when that happens. Kay.
Notice that adults have a massive desire to conform. Notice the shoes, and shirts. Even the girl who stuck a fishbowl hat on her head – when she’s an adult she’ll laugh and say she was nuts. I’d like to say, it’s the adults who are nuts. Conforming crushes individuality. And good God, why be like everyone else when you don’t have to? Bleck. Conform or die… Friggin Borg drones.
And those are the 8 reasons why you shouldn’t grow up. Ever.